Overcoming Poor Body Image

It's been a long time since I've written anything. I guess I'm just not much of a blogger.
Why would anyone want to hear what I have to say!?

My friend Evelyn is so amazing! On her Jolly Green Giant blog she has challenged her readers to write a journal entry or a blog post about "...your current health situation. What do you hope to achieve in the future? What do you like about yourself right now?"

Before I get started, I don't want to hurt any feelings. I have just found that I really appreciate other blogs, like Evelyn's, where the author is so candid, honest and open. I want to be a little more like that. Perhaps to the point of "over sharing" this time around. So forgive me.

Three months ago I gave birth to our fifth son. That being said, I have some weight to loose.

I don't think I have a very healthy concept of my weight or my body in general. I love my parents dearly and look up to them but I think that certain things about my upbringing have given me some serious misgivings where my body is concerned.

My Mom was always concerned with her weight. My little ears heard her calling herself "fat" all the time. She'd say this little rhyme as she patted her stomach, hips or thighs: "Fatty, Fatty two by four, can't fit through the bathroom door." She was always exercising. She'd get up at 6am so that she could do aerobics before going to work. Then as we sat down in the evenings to watch a movie together instead of sitting and watching she would do leg lifts or sit-ups. She kept trying new things like resistance bands and the ever popular "thigh master." I never thought my mom was very big, but she never seemed satisfied or happy with the way she was.

My Dad is a great guy, I love him to pieces, and it could be for that reason that I value his opinion so highly. My Dad has always been one to speak his mind, and hasn't quite mastered curbing that. He'd say things about other people's appearances all the time. Things like, 'Man, when sister-so-and-so leads the music I bet the front row can feel a breeze.' Or 'Wow, that lady is sure a looker.' Hearing all of these things from a very young age made me put a lot of stock into one's outward appearance and give them some sort of unconscious rating based on what my eyes could see.

When I was in high school some of my friends and I had spent a day swimming and my Dad was giving us a ride home. We stopped to drop off two of my friends that were sisters. My Dad stopped at the end of their long driveway and one of the girls asked, "Could you take us closer to the door?" My Dad obliged but as he did so jokingly said, "You bet, I wouldn't want you to walk any of those dimples off your thighs." These two friends of mind were a little heavier and I'm sure that even in high school they had dimply thighs. At the time I hadn't thought anything of it, just because that was the way my Dad talked, but a year or two later that friend told me how much that comment had hurt her.

When I was a sophomore in high school I was at home having a lazy Saturday when my dad came home from work, took a look at me and said, "What's wrong with you? Are you sick?" The look of concern on his face made me worry and I put a self conscious hand to my face. Then my Mom walked in and said, "Nothing's wrong with her, she just hasn't put any make-up on today." My Dad then smiled, nodded, and said, "Even an old barn looks better with a fresh coat of paint!" To this day I have made sure that I'm never around him until I've put on my "coat of paint."

When I was little, as far back as I can remember I'd wish on stars, eye lashes and birthday cakes that I would be "pretty" when I grew up. There were slight variations in these wishes, "I wish to look like a Princess when I grow up." "I wish to be beautiful when I grow up," "I wish to look like ____________ some day" (Insert whatever good looking singer or actress comes to mind.)I don't know what other kids wish for, 'cause you're not supposed to tell, but I'm pretty sure that that's not normal!

When I was 12 I though it was pretty neat that I was the same size as my 16 year old sister! I could borrow her clothes (often without asking) and people actually got us confused sometimes. We'd go shopping and get asked if we were twins. I thought it was great, 'cause my sister was SO cool! But I kept growing and she didn't. Pretty soon I surpassed her in height and size. I had to buy bigger shoes (when we'd been sharing shoes for so long) and I now had to wear a size medium when she was still in a small. I felt enormous! In pictures you can see me slouching, trying not to look so tall. I am now 4 inches taller than my perfectly petite sister.

In Jr. High and High School I had an unhealthy relationship with food and would go for days without eating (but if there was a plate of cookies I'd eat them ALL!) During that time I would faint occasionally. School nurses would be quizzing me about epilepsy and possible pregnancy, then my Mom would come and knowingly ask, "When was the last time you ate?"

These issues are probably the only reason I am glad that I don't have any daughters, I would hate to pass on all of these insecurities! I am hoping that my boys haven't been effected much by them and that I can soon put on a better face and stop any further damage. I am now a 29 year old mother of 5 and want to find my "happy place" as far as my health and weight are concerned.

Last night I went to a meeting with a group of ladies from my church. As I sat there eating a fabulous dinner I looked around and saw women of all shapes and sizes. They were talking and laughing. I saw a lot of women who are considerably bigger than I am, yet they seem so comfortable, confident and down right happy.I wondered what makes the difference? I know that I can't reach into someone else's heart or mind and see how she really feels about herself, but as far as I could tell, these are women who are truly comfortable in their own skins. I want to be one of them!

I'm not saying that I want to settle for my current weight or fitness level. I want to loose weight, I want to eat healthier, I want to be more active, but in the mean time I want to be happy! Life is too short to spend it wishing for something else. An "I'll be happy when..." attitude never did anyone any good!

Now to address the last question in the challenge: "What do you like about yourself right now?" This is a hard one for me. I love my boys, they are great kids and I'm proud of them. I think they must have a pretty awesome Mom to be as great as they are. (But I guess that's not really something about ME.) I'm proud that I have stuck to my daily work out schedule for about 8 weeks now and am down 10 whole pounds. But that is weight related. Maybe I'll have to keep thinking on that one.

What do I like about myself!? What a great question! What do you like about YOURSELF?

Coming Attraction: Baby #5

I know it's been over a year since I sent anything out into the blogosphere. Life gets so busy and something fall WAY down on the priority list. For me blogging was one of those things. We will soon be welcoming yet another boy into our family. The ultrasound pictures were pretty clear so I would be shocked if this little him turns out to be a her. We're just adding to our collection of boys and all of the joys that come with them. I have been on modified bed rest with this little guy since I was a mere 20 weeks along. But now that I am only a couple weeks for "D-day" my bed rest sentence has been lifted! Ever since Sunday (so 6 days, if you can believe it) I have been having contractions and labor pains. There have been 2 times, once on Monday and the other last night, on Thursday, that we thought we might be heading to the hospital soon, but the contractions eased and here I am, still waiting. I don't particularly enjoy the waiting game. I get frustrated by the unknown! However, I had an appointment today with my midwife. I learned that I am dilated to a 2, I am 50% effaced and the baby is at a -3 station. I'm not quite as far along as I was hoping but at least there has been some progress. We are all getting excited and a little anxious to meet this little guy!

Here he is showing off his muscles!

Three for Thursday: Again

Hey look, I still have a blog!

I don't have much to say, but thought I'd play along with Evelyn and do a 3 for Thursday this week (I'm only a day late ;)

Three Facebook status updates from this week:
1. N/A
2.‎ N/A
3. N/A
(Hmm... looks like the last time I updated my status on Facebook was on February 10, over a month ago! At which time I wrote:
"I'm feeling icky today. I was laying down and Skyler (my 16 month old) came and patted me on the head. I said, "I feel sick." Skyler then left the room and came back a moment later. He rubbed some diaper rash ointment on my arm and declared, "Med-cine! All Be-'r!" Kinda Sweet."

Three favorite holiday candies:
1. Candy corn at Halloween.
2. Fudge at Christmas time
3. Hot lips (think Cinnamon Bears) at Valentine's Day


Three BIG plans for the future:
1. Have a clean house for more than 2 hours at one time.
2. Teach my 4 year old to tie his own shoes.
3. Go on a multiple day vacation with my children AND husband.

Three things I say to my children that I ought to mind myself:
1. "You're getting grumpy, time to go to bed."
2. "You've had enough sweets. No more."
3. "Talk about your problems in a nice voice."

Three things I want to buy with the Amazon gift certificates I got for Christmas (Which one? Which one?):
1. Brother Sewing Machine
2. Dining room set w/ 6 chairs
3. Twin over Twin bunk beds
(Yep, Amazon has EVERYTHING!)

Three pictures:
It looks like my computer, or blogger - is having a hard time uploading photos (attempt #3 failed.) So no pictures today :(

3 for Thursday: Round 4

It's Three for Thursday time AGAIN!! Oh My! Hosted again this week by Katy at The House of Estrogen It's been an exhausting week - here goes:

Three things I accomplished this week
1. I packed lots of boxes!
2. I took my kids to the park, more than once even.
3. I washed ALL of the laundry. All those sheets, blankets and towels that have been to the "I'll get around to it" pile are now clean and ready to be packed ;)


Three things I want to do this summer
1. Move to a new house
2. Go to my family reunion in July
3. Make some new friends, in my new neighborhood.

Three colors used at my wedding
1. Lavander (purple)
2. Sage (green)
3. White

Three things I find repulsive
1. Smoking (Cigarettes make me sick)
2. Spitting (especially little boys who spit on their brothers.)
3. Dirty dish rags! stinky, stinky!


Three things I like most about my body
1. I have super cute toes!
2. My eyes are a very pretty shade of green
3. Everything seems to work the way it should. Bodies are pretty amazing things.


Three chores I make my husband do
1. Car Maintenance
2. Lawn Care
3. Changing light bulbs

Three recipes
1. Alfredo sauce With an allergy to soy I cannot use most pre-made sauces, so I make my own.
2. Beef and Tomato Pie so simple and my kids love it. It's a great way to use up all of those fresh tomatoes in the summertime.
3. No Bake Cookies an old F.H.E. standby at our house, but always a crowd pleaser.


Three favorite flavors of ice cream
1. Mint Chocolate Chip
2. Carmel Pecan
3. Tin Roof Sundae


Three animals I'd like to have (maybe not all at the same time)
1. A nice cat
2. A friendly dog
3. Um, another baby?? (I don't like birds, fish, rodents, or reptiles.)


Three pictures

Since tomorrow is my Daddy's 60th birthday *gasp* and Sunday is Father's Day here is a picture of my Dad and I at the Red Canyon Overlook near Flaming Gorge in October of 2008 (it was cold and windy.)
Another great Father in my life: My Father-in-law raised a good bunch of boys, his 5 sons are all pretty neat. I'm glad that I got to marry one of them! This is Oran, David (my Father-in-law) and me on Father's Day in 2009.

The Daddy at our house is pretty awesome too. Here's Ryan and our four boys on Easter morning 2011.

Three for Thursday: Round 3

I know I'm a little late this week and it's more like a 'Five for Friday' kind of thing, but yesterday was kind of crazy! My husband had the day off so we spent the day packing boxes, running things to D.I. and grocery shopping.

So here it is, a little late, but just as fun! The Three for Thursday prompt this week comes from my good buddy Katy at thehouseofestrogen; Thanks Katy!!

Three favorite items of clothing:
This one is hard 'cause I pretty much hate all of my clothing at the moment. (I'm feeling in need of a shopping spree!) But here goes:
1. Down East Basics Tank Tops - high enough and long enough to fill any gaps.
2. My "size 8" jeans that are really more of a size 10, but that 8 on the tag helps me feel a little skinnier.
3. my long navy blue skirt - nursing friendly and I can wear it with just about any top.

Three things in my house that I wish were self-cleaning:
1. THE BATHROOM! With three little boys in the early years of toilet use and a fourth that will be there soon, a self-cleaning bathroom would be fabulous!
2. The toy room, that place is always a disaster - I wish we had one of those "Cat in the Hat" machines that pick up all of the things that are down and puts them away.
3. The kitchen floor - no matter how many times I sweep there always seems to be food on the floor!

Three favorite summertime lunches:
1. Pasta Salad! It's cool and fresh
2. BLTs - I love bacon and nothing beats fresh tomatoes out of the garden
3. Hotdogs roasted on the grill with Doritos on the side.

Three things my children say that they picked up from me:
1. "I'm Okay!" I used to ask "Are you okay?" every time it sounded like something "bad" happened, now they respond before I can even ask ;)
2. "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!" Alright, I did steal this from Mr. Rodgers, but it is said whenever the sun is shining through the windows in the morning.
3. "I'm gonna eat your squishies Mr. Chubby-Chunks!" when talking to the baby, of course.

Three good movie recommendations
1. "The City of Ember"
2. "Big Fish"
3. "Stardust"
(Only 3? Geeze, I could go on forever!! I love movies!)

Three inexpensive date night ideas
1. Redbox, air-popped popcorn and snuggling on the couch (It gets old, but hey, it's something.)
2. A stroll around the block under the stars, you can walk REALLY slow!
3. Who am I kidding? I never go on dates - You try getting a babysitter for four little boys!

Three favorite flowers:
1. Iris (they are so cool! Have you ever really looked at one?)
2. Daisy (they really are "The friendliest flower" - Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail")
3. Cala Lily


Three places I'd like to visit:
1. Florida: Disney World and Orlando Studios (I want to visit the Hogwarts Castle!)
2. Europe (I know this is pretty open ended, but I want to see it all!)
3. Brazil (My Daddy went on his mission their and in high school we had a foreign exchange student that I'd really like to visit. I miss you Zeila!)

Three good habits that I practice
1. I brush my teeth every morning and every night!
2. I wear deodorant everyday
3. We end every day with a family prayer


Three pictures:

I had lots of fun visiting with my Mother-in-law this evening. She came to town to visit her mother for her birthday and the boys and I went over to say hi. Here is a picture of my Mother and Father-in-law and their five sons.


OH NO! I'm being eaten by a dinosaur!! I guess I should have just let him have my golf ball if he wanted it so badly... (Playing miniature golf at Outer Limits Fun Zone.)


Zeila, my Brazilian sister, and Oran February of 2008, she came back to visit us, so it's only fair that I now go to Brazil and visit her, right??

Three for Thursday: Round 2

My second week doing Three for Thursday, thank you for the promp Evelyn at http://hangingbyasilverlining.blogspot.com/ I love playing along and hope to win one of her giveaways ;)

Three of my favorite Pandora.com stations
1. "Caranna's Radio" my first Pandora station, it's my own mix of the '80s, 90s, and now' and is the cure for any bad day. I just crank the tunes and before I know it I'm smiling and dancing. Ironically the first "seed" for this station was "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter.
2. Disney, great for singing along, cleaning the house and keeping kids happy.
3. Piano Music Radio, very relaxing, and there's nothing better to calm my crying baby.

Three lessons learned since I have graduated from high school
1. I should listen to my parents, they really are pretty smart.
2. I have my whole life to be married, college is for having fun.
3. I am cooler than I thought I was.


Three people I was remembering on Memorial Day
1. Grandma White
2. Grandpa Stavast
3. Auntie Judy


Three favorite YouTube videos
1. "To Do list" by Hilary Weeks I wish I were so productive!
2. Star Wars (Accapella tribute to John Williams) John Williams is the Man!!
3. Kid History So funny! Watch all 4 episodes!

Three bad habits
1. Staying up so late, there's really no reason to, and I know I'd be much happier if I would just go to bed!
2. getting absorbed by facebook - is it really important that I know what is "on the mind" of a person I haven't physically spoken to since high school??
3. Over reacting to my kids, um... bad choices. They are kids, they make mistakes, oh well.

Three foods I will NEVER put in my mouth
1. Liver (it's meant to filter out all the garbage, why would I want to eat it!?)
2. Beer
3. tripe

Three things that sounded like a good idea at the time
1. Buying a home - buying a "fixer upper" was not a good idea, I found out that my husband is NOT Mr. Fix-it!
2. Buying the smaller size, because I could put it on.
3. Eating that *whatever* off the restaurant menu. (when will you learn that eating out makes you sick!! Food allergies are the pits!)

Three plans for Father’s Day 2011
1. Go to Church
2. Bake some Rolls
3. Call my Daddy

Three things that make me a “mean mom” (aka a GOOD mom)
1. Insisting they help me clean the house EVERYDAY ("But it's not even Saturday!")
2. Have them take care of their own things - I am not the keeper of shoes, jackets and backpacks!
3. Sticking to a schedule: ie. work, play, meals, bed.

Three pictures

My baby is crawling all over the place now. It's amazing how quick he's picked it up.


My handsome boys and I on Easter morning 2011


Since we're talking about Father's Day here is a picture of my silly Daddy.

Three For Thursday: Round 1

I haven't done much in the bloggo-sphere for quite a while. Who has the time!? But my friend Evelyn is an amazing bogger. So, a special thanks to Evelyn at Hanging by a Silver Lining for the Three for Thursday prompt. (I'd love to win one of her giveaways.)

Three favorite words:
1. Exquisite - it's such a fancy word, and I like the way it feels in my mouth, go ahead, try it!
2. Methinks - the best part of the Hymn "If You Could Hie to Kolob."
3. Design - the way it is spelled, with it's silent "g" looks and feels artistic, it makes me want to create or design something myself.

Three things that won't be allowed in heaven:
1. Hobo Spiders - after all the spider bites I got at our old house they'd better not be there!
2. Hangnails - Ooo, I hate hangnails!
3. Red Underwear - They're "Satan's Panties" (from Miss Congeniality)

Three crafty things I do:
1. Crochet- I can make just about anything, all I need is a pattern and enough yarn.
2. Sew- sadly the only sewing I've done for quite a while is patching the endless supply of worn out Levi's at our house, courtesy of my little boys.
3. Paint and Draw - I love painting, be it on paper, walls, wood, or even rocks, but I don't get many opportunities.

Three things I swore I would NEVER do when I became a parent, but now find myself doing:
1. Let my kids watch more than a couple of house of TV a week.
2. Breastfeed beyond one year of age - some things just aren't worth the battle, they'll stop when they're ready.
3. Be the parent that never sets foot in their child's class room - I wanted to be the awesome Mom that was always there helping, that knew every kid's name - but with two younger ones at home and a husband who works full time, it's nearly impossible to find time to go in and help.

Three favorite quotes:
1. "It's never too late for Happily Ever After."- The Fairy Godmother, in "Shrek 2"
2. "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde
3. "You fail to plan, you plan to fail" - Mr. T

Three names I would never dream of giving my children:
1. Floyd
2. Ronald
3. Shakira

Three things I plan to do for Memorial Day weekend:
1. Visit the cemetery, tour Brady's Chapel and visit Grandpa Stavast's grave.
2. Take a bunch of stuff to DI.
3. Start the packing process!

Three blogs I love to visit:
1. Make It and Love It I cannot get enough of her amazing craftiness!! Someday I want to be this cool ;)
2. Anne Pearson Photography I could look at her work for hours! She's absolutely AMAZING! It is my dream to have her do a photo shoot with our family. (I'm saving all my pennies ;)
3. Freebies 2 Deals I love getting a good deal and free is even better!!

Three things that make my husband/partner the luckiest man alive:
1. I don't boss him around or nag like some wives do their husbands. My choice of husbandly persuasion is stormy silence. Thus far it has done little to provoke him into action. Maybe it's time to try nagging.
2. He has 4 little boys who absolutely adore him and think he's the greatest guy around.
3. His wife is a good cook and does it everyday.

Three Pictures:

This is the house we're planning to move to later this month. It's pretty exciting!


This is a card I made for my friend Christina when she had her first baby. It looks so much like her and makes me smile.


Here's an old one! This was taken on my Mom's birthday in July of 1986. I'm sitting on my Mom's lap.

Did You Think to Pray?

I'm feeling a bit blessed today, and grateful that we remembered to say our prayers this morning!

On Ryan's way to work this morning he was passing a semi-truck. He was in the outside lane when the driver of the truck decided to pass the truck in front of him. He came into Ryan's lane forcing him into the median. Ryan said he almost rolled the car, but he's fine, the car is fine. He was just pretty shaken up for a while.

We are all very glad that he didn't get squashed by the big truck, and are happy that we didn't forget to pray for his safety as he traveled.

It's hard to have Ryan on the road everyday. I worry about his hour long commute in the winter when the roads are bad, but I don't often fear for his safety on days like today when the sun is shining and the roads are clear. You never know what the other drivers will do. So it's good that we continue to pray for him so he may be safe from harm even when the other drivers are being less than attentive.

Challenges of Motherhood

AHHHH!! I can't handle having Canton home two days in a row!! He has a cold so he stayed home from school yesterday, and doesn't go to school on Wednesdays - maybe I should just let him suffer, because the cold medicine makes him CRAZY!
I laid down with the baby for 20 minutes and in that 20 minutes he and Oran got into the game closet and knocked down ALL of the games. There are cards, dice, and game pieces EVERYWHERE. They pulled all of the books off the book shelf. There are books all over the family room.
Canton sprayed hairspray all over the bathroom mirror.
Someone took colored pencils and drew on the walls in the stair well - ALL the way down the stairs on BOTH sides! AND on the walls in the basement. Toys are all over the toy room. The boy's bedroom is a mess. The kitchen sink is over flowing with dirty dishes. I'm buried in laundry.

EVERY single room in my house is a disaster right now >:(
[This is my Angry face.]

Spring Break

Today is the last day of our Spring Break vacation and our second snowy day this week. For Spring Break activities my kids have built a snowman and gone sledding. (Both in our backyard) We've had sick kids, so we've stayed home all week.

Skyler has had a tough time with this cold. Wednesday night was really rough. He coughed all night (from midnight - 5am) he couldn't sleep so neither did I. I couldn't alleviate his coughs and they just wouldn't let up. He threw up again and again, because of the coughing, and had a dry diaper in the morning, very unusual for him. (So I was afraid he was getting dehydrated)

I took him to the Doctor yesterday who said Skyler had an RSV virus and a little bit of bacterial pneumonia. However the doctor said it seemed to be clearing up. I told him that Skyler's been fighting it for a little over 2 weeks and he said it's typical for RSV to hold on for a month or more.

Dr. Clifford said that they can't really do much for anyone under the age of 2. He suggested we use a humidifier, suction him out good with the bulb syringe, and prop him up to sleep; all things we've already been doing. So basically, just 'hang in there.' It's so sad, he doesn't have a voice right now and makes sad little squeaky noises. :(

However, I told Dr. Clifford that Canton and Oran had the bad coughs too and he did give me something for them; Flonase nasal spray. We gave them each a squirt in each nostril before bed and I heard very little coughing from their room last night. So my visit to the doctor wasn't a total loss.

Ryan had yesterday off work. We'd planned to go somewhere and do something fun, but it didn't work out that way. However, he and the boys stayed in the PJs 'til 1:00 watching movies and playing board games. They played 3 different games, and the boys thought it was great!

Around 5:00 the rain finally stopped and Ryan took the boys out front and watched them ride their bikes while I made dinner. (Ryan's co-worker was getting rid of 2 boys bikes and Ryan brought them home. He got one fixed up for Canton's birthday, in August, and just recently finished fixing up the other one for Tate. I picked up a really little bike, for Oran, at DI - the boys aren't happy that it's pink, but it was only $3 and Oran has fun riding it, we thought we might paint it another color.)

It was kind of fun to have the windows open for a minute, listening to three bikes with training wheels rattling across the pavement, accompanied by the sound of happy kids.

That's about as exciting as our Spring Break gets for this year.

I hope you've all enjoyed the first few days of Spring.