This is the challenge:
As I wrote in an earlier post, I'm having a hard time thinking of things to like about myself lately. Which is really rather sad. I think that everyone should like themselves. This isn't about being humble, no one is going to read my letter but me. So why can't I come up with anything!?
I used to LOVE myself, no really. I don't mean to sound conceited, or self centered, but I was a hoot! I loved being me and I think that people genuinely enjoyed being around me, 'cause I was FUN!
I've been wondering what changed, and what caused the change. Since becoming a wife and mother I've had a bit of an identity-crisis. I am constantly trying to find my place and figure out just what my roles are.I know that now I am grown up and I have responsibilities. It is my job to raise and teach my children and I can't always be the light-hearted free spirit that I wish I was. But I still want to have fun!
I am more that just "Ryan's wife" or "______'s Mom" (Insert any one of my kids' names here.) I am still me, I am CARANNA - so what does that mean!?
Today marks the ten year anniversary of the day that my husband proposed to me. I have grown and changed a lot since that day 10 years ago. I have learned many lessons, some of those lessons were a lot harder than others, but would I really go back now? Having gained so much was it really at the cost of my former self?
When I was younger I was quick witted and funny. I found it easy to make jokes and make others laugh. I felt that I had a lot of talents, and I enjoyed sharing those with others. I enjoyed singing, acting and dancing. I was a pretty decent artist and often the life of the party. I had a strong belief in my faith, a strong testimony and a powerful conviction about what I believed. I was not ashamed of those beliefs and often shared them with others. I was a member of the seminary council in my senior year of high school and thoroughly enjoyed that. Plus, I got to be a member of the relief society presidency my very first semester of college.
I think one of my main problems is that I'm just too exhausted to care any more. I'm too tired to feel much conviction about anything. Everyday is more just a struggle to survive. I figure I'm doing good if I make it from breakfast to bed time each day.
Perhaps I just need to find my passion, and maybe remembering how "cool" I used to be is the key to unlocking that in my current situation.
The year after I got married we attended a family reunion, I had a 2 month old baby at the time. They were trying to get enough family members together for a "talent show" to fill one of the evenings, but there weren't many volunteers. One of my cousins approached me to ask if I would lead the group in singing silly camp songs. My Aunt, who lived in the same town as me, and had thus spent a lot of time with me in the year since my marriage, answered for me before I had a chance. Shaking her head and saying, "Oh she's no fun any more. She got all old and boring!"
I know that the comment was made in jest, and I love my Auntie, but it still stung. I too felt that I had become "old and boring" and I've never quite recovered. As I've gone from one child to five I think I've just got older and boring-er. I'm not sure how to fix it, but I want to!
Here's a picture of Ryan and I at my parent's house when we were engaged, before I was so "old and boring." We were making breakfast. (Digital cameras have come a long way in the last 10 years.)